Changing Perspective

I'm always torn when it comes to sharing stuff about marriage. I feel like its the kind of thing that people don't want to hear about, especially if it's a struggle, and if you are struggling with it, well then, that it's your own fault. So excuse me if I say too much. You've been for-warned. 

It was one of those days, you know, where you feel like you don't have the strength. All patience, grace, and love seemed to be running on empty. I'm sure we all can relate, especially those who are married. 

That day I was longing to spend some time alone with the Lord. I wanted to have some sort of growth, revelation, or deepening intimacy with him. Instead that day turned in to one of arguments and hardened hearts. Why God? Why did you have me get married when clearly it's not for me?! I'm too independent. I don't need another person to worry about. 

It's no secret that Timothy and I had a tough first year. Most days it felt like we were going to war...against each other. I'd wake up, put on my hard hat and heart, pick up my sword of bitterness and rage on. I love him dearly, I do, but this battle became one of flesh and spirit and it was more than I could take. 

God in his wonderful timing brought us down here to Guatemala. And what seems to be a theme for people when they come here is they end up face to face and heart to heart with the Father. Broken and undone, he replaces and heals. Moments of authentic love from God the Father. In the midst of market ministry and going to Spanish class God has been doing just that, working in my heart, unhinging doors I have feared to open, and undoing the mess of what I have come to believe marriage is.

So that day I wanted to get to work on my heart but I was too frustrated. I felt like my marriage was just getting in the way. Too angry, too upset now. I shut the book and my heart to the word that day. 

As a safety precaution no one can go out of the house alone. 

I was aching to get out and run, to run away, get my fix on endorphins. Not a soul would come with. I was left with no other choice but to beg Timothy to run with me. As much as I didn't even want to look at him he agreed to come. 

We ended up on the other side of town at the base of the hill with the cross. The road met a path that switched back and forth a long ways up the hill til it reached an opening that overlooked the city of Antigua and the nearest volcano. This was my moment of hope restored. Together we hiked up to the cross where once again everything made sense. A change of perspective. Grace offered freely. There I laid down my burdens and picked up trust in the Lord. Even though the process of God undoing hurts, I know that where he is leading us will make it all worthwhile. 

I'm thankful for second chances and for a relentless God who wants us to live in fullness and abundance. I'm thankful that I'm not ok with a mediocre marriage and neither is the Father because there is so much more he wants to show us about himself, and about his love for us.

It's in the deepening intimacy with the Lord we learn to see ourselves the way he does and from there we can view the world and each other the way that he does. I may not fully understand the purposes of marriage or exactly how he intended it to look, but if it's anything close to a reflection of his love for us I think it will be worth it. 

To Be Continued...